Comedy: Ungainful Employment - 001: Hiring Process

Ungainful Employment - Episode 001: Hiring Process

Are you goofing off at work again?

I never goof off. 

Really? last week I caught you sleeping at your desk three times. Three. If I were in charge, you'd have been written up and warned by now.

Resting my eyes is not "goofing off." And you're not in charge of this channel. I am. You're just the figment of my imagination I wrangled in to help. 

Yeah, whatever, dude. So, what are you doing, then?

Calling a security firm. We need security, like you said a while back.

What? When?

Around... oh, July or somewheres... The popcorn incident.

Hey! We agreed not to mention that again! That one was YOUR fault. I kept telling you that wrestler had it in for me, but you kept saying, "Oh, don't worry Cheryl. They like to prank. They even call them ribs. You'll be fine." I wasn't. He dumped me upside down into the popcorn popper at the concession stand and I got stuck for two hours. Jackass. 

Well, that's why I'm hiring security. Replacing popcorn machines is something I can't keep doing. Smelled like perfume, butter and shame for weeks at the concession stand. I'm just glad our wrestling fans didn't see it. 

 Aw gee. Thanks for your overwhelming concern for me. I had butter all in my hair and it ruined my dress. By the way, you owe me around 1200 bucks. 

Why? It was just a dress.

A one of a kind. Gildamoor. Created by a team of professional seamstresses. Ruined! Plus I had to wash my hair almost a dozen times to get that smell and greasy feeling out. All because you wouldn't hire security when I first told you and of course, our old buddy Mr. Pranky McRib.

Wow. I really wish you hadn't said that.

Why? It's the truth.

Yeah, but now I want a McRib.

Oh, whatever. Stop thinking about lunch and start thinking about hiring our security. I don't want any more dresses ruined on account of someone's dumb idea of a prank.

Yeah. they're sending somebody named Texas Jim Munson. they say he's the best they've got. He even works for minimum wage. 

Like you're going to pay him. Everyone I know who works for you works for free. 

They get paid. Just, you know... not by me. 

Oh, I'm sure they do. Who'd want to work for you? I mean, besides me. I work for the free room and board. Good thing I'm imaginary. Otherwise I'd take up more space. To think, I gave up teaching to work here. I must be out of my mind.

Well, you're indisposed in my other stories, so you have to keep busy until your triumphant return there. In the meantime, we need more wrestling talent. That's your job. Screen them. Hire someone who's NOT going to prank you and ruin your clothes this time.

I know! We can hire Logan Paul! Oh wait... no, we already have that colossal jackass. How about Space Ghost?

No, you can't. There is no way you can get Space Ghost to wrestle for the DPHW. He's a cartoon character, imaginary. Not real, like you. 

Don't underestimate me! It just so happens Space Ghost and I are poker buddies. I can do a lot more than you think I can. Just let me text him...

If you can get Space Ghost, I'll give you a raise.

You don't pay me. What are you going to do, give me an extra sandwich a week?

I don't know... that's asking a lot...

Jackass. He's writing me back... He says, "Would love to! I've been a super hero and a talk show host. Time to add professional wrestler to my resume!" Ha! Told you.  

You still need to interview him. I want to be there when you do.